From the desk of Crystal Andrus: 
Last week, I wrote that self-love is the only permanent weight-loss ingredient available to mankind. (Actually, I think I heard Jenny Craig say this about 20 years ago . . . but I had no idea what she was talking about at the time!)
***
Twenty years ago, I was embarking on my 20s. I was angry and sweet, all rolled into one. I was insecure, disconnected, and completely unconscious. I walked through life half-asleep.
I got more attention than I knew what to do with, and yet could never understand what people were looking at. I had no self love. I despised a million things about my body and face (which mattered a lot because I’d been taught that “appearances” were everything).
I walked through life thinking that everything was exactly as it looked: Weight problems were about food, alcoholics drank too much, and playboys simply loved women.
I had never written in a journal. I had never asked myself questions like:
• Why did I care so much that people liked me?
• When was I happiest?
• What inspired me?
• What held me back?
• What was I afraid of?
• And most importantly, who was I?
When I heard people talk about “loving themselves”, I felt angry. To me, it was only selfish women who abandoned their children who would say things like, “I have to love myself first!” It was only neglectful fathers who quoted lines like, “If you don’t please yourself, you can never please anyone else.”
I guess you could say I was an angry grown-up child, whose own parents blabbed on about “self-love” while they neglected, abandoned and emotionally devastated their own children. Self love was a cop-out for selfish narcissism!
By the time I was 25, I was married with two precious daughters. I’d decided that the needs of my family came before my self-seeking needs as a woman. I decided that the needs of the “unit” had to come before the needs of any one person within that unit.
For a few years, I was happier than I’d ever been. I had more love in one day from my children than any amount of love I’d ever received over the course of my life, from everyone combined.
Nevertheless, my weight continued to climb and I’d find myself sometimes crying for no reason. I couldn’t understand why with a husband, two great kids, and a beautiful home on the water, I couldn’t sustain my happiness.
I watched a lot of TV late at night, once the kids were sleeping. Hot fudge sundaes gave me far more pleasure than sex. I hated my clothes . . . or maybe, it was my body in my clothes. I didn’t want anyone to see me from “before”.
I was up.
I was down.
I was happy.
I was sad.
I’d convinced myself that if I lost weight, renovated the kitchen, got a new engagement ring (we’d married young and didn’t have much money), and purchased the latest model mini-van, I’d surely find and maintain my happiness.
But it never happened.
I mean . . . sure, I lost the weight (and then some), renovated, got a new huge diamond, and a top-of-the-line SUV, but they all only sustained my joy for a period of time.
Eventually, I’d find myself staring off into space wondering, “What’s next?”
After leaving my husband ( …it had to be him), walking away from all my material possessions, and setting out to prove to the world that I was smart, successful, and yes, loveable, I self-published my first book. I was certain extreme happiness would soon find me.
The rollercoaster prevailed.
I was tired now. Far too tired . . .
It was time I stopped chasing, racing, running, climbing and finally, looked within.
Do you know what I found?
A wonderful, loving, kind, smart, scared, broken, misguided, ashamed, angry, desperate-for-love woman who’d been (just as Waylon Jennings sang it) “looking for love in all the wrong places”. It was time I learned how to love myself.
It was time I healed my own broken little girl, made peace with her past, forgave her parents (even if 20 years later they were still hurting her), set stronger boundaries, and began treating her with dignity, respect, and gentleness.
It was time I integrated all the fragmented parts of my personality: the perfect mother and wife, the fitness expert, party girl, self-righteous nun, vegetarian, book worm, broken child, ugly geek, dotting mother, brilliant business woman, sexy seductress, loving caretaker, intelligent philosopher, Suzy homemaker, binge eater, nutritionist, sinner and saint.
I realized I couldn’t like some parts of me, while rejecting the rest of myself. I had to learn to love me. I had to learn to forgive me.
I had to ask my children to forgive me for leaving their father, and for anything else I had ever done to hurt them. I had to ask my ex-husband to forgive me for leaving him.
I had to let go of my shame, guilt, fear, and blame.
I had to surrender my need to please, impress, and outdo everyone . . . especially myself.
I had to learn to love me . . . in spite of myself.
I had to learn to love my fat, my faults, my mania, my depression, my wrinkles, and my mistakes, so that I could stop exerting so much energy into hiding them.
It was time to shine light on all my great qualities, without being afraid someone would discover my bad ones.
It was time I stepped into integrity, forgave myself for the ways I’d let myself and others down, and made the decision that my past didn’t predict my future any more than the bumps and valleys behind my car influenced the road ahead of me. It was time I got on the right path for me! It was time I started listening to myself. It was time I started loving myself!
***
Living with self love isn’t about forgetting about those you (once claimed to) love. It isn’t about having abs of steel, a monstrous bank account, or hundreds of friends and admirers (although these things might happen once you do love yourself!).
Self love is about living in alignment with who you really are: A divine, special, holy child of God—pure, innocent, passionate, trusting, loving, forgiving, courageous, and fearless.
Self love is not a noun . . . it’s a verb. It’s journey that never ends. It is a daily way of living, loving, speaking, eating, moving, giving and receiving.
Self love is a far cry from selfish narcissism. In fact, it is the only thing that will ever bring you lasting happiness.
I pray it for you, my friend.
Warmly,
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Great Post! And so true on so many levels for me….. Can we really wish we knew then what we know now? Or do we need to go through all that to become the women we are today? Either way just a great post!
Crystal I have learned so much from you, and you are an amazing woman!!! Thank you for being you!
This is so real, genuine and honest!!! Amazing article Crystal!
Crystal this is wonderful! This week I have been embracing self-love and peace, and the synchronicity of each post that I open up that is about this is clearly proof that I am on the right track.
Thank you
Hugs
Lee
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What a great article! Such a simple concept, but yet so hard. I was exactly the same until I start peeling back the layers. It really is about loving yourself. Thanks Crystal for spreading the message in such a loving way.
Awesome and we are so glad that you learned to love yourself. We can share the process with you. I just completed my second 12 week transformation; I can tell you I am transformed again and will continue to love that about myself that I am a work in progress, I set high standards for myself then set them again when I reach them. Thanks so much for everything Crystal, it’s just great to know you!
Good job! This proves that if you ask, you will receive! THANK YOU!
Your post speaks out loud to my heart … thank you for your honesty.
Peace and blessings,
Darlene
On the eve of my 48th birthday, this post is especially pertinent to me now. I felt a little disconnected today for a while. The ole’ what have I accomplished thus far on my life journey? And then I read this post. Great birthday gift! I absorbed it like basking in the sun on a beautiful day at the shore! Bless you, Monah <3
Great post Crystal! I am a new follower and enjoyed this. Self love is so important. I used to share your original views about it too and it definitely played a role in my weight loss later. This post was perfect timing though- I am lacking in the elusive self love these past weeks as other “priorities” as a busy mom of four with lots on the go compete for my attention.
Thanks for the reminder.
Be Good For You,
Shaunna
Perfect article! Perfect timing! I speak to groups about this topic all the time. I found myself in this article over and over! Thank you dear soul for the mirror!
I’m crying right now as I read this.
You’ve captured it perfectly. You are a gift for everyone who has ever found that part of themselves that they struggled to love, and then later found out that this part was the greatest gift for “waking up” to what real love truly is… unconditional, whole, complete… and perfect. Just like us.
thank you! You are an Angel!~
Hay Crystal a real thanks i dedicate to you …truly
Every thing you say relates to me…from feeling you felt and not understanding thing you wanted make sense of..so, whenever i read what you write or hear what you say it’s like am almost looking at my mirror!
I admire you crystal and knowing that you were able to change all what you were in the past…make me feel it’s possible for me too to make it happen and time shouldn’t be an issue as long as we have the hope and patience….
thank you again i can’t put my feelings in a word but truly you are an amazing inspiring person
Best regards to you my dear..
Crystal Andrus,you are so great-unbelievable! Your thoughts are invaluable and touching.God made a mistake, by posting eyes into firm frame and not permitting us to physically see, every now and then, the great in self that makes each one of us so brilliant despite all shortcomings. Some one said, wanderers only realize values afterwards. Sin, anger, regrets, depression is all relative, while love is absolute till you unbolt it to shower upon every one gracefully in various forms as men and women. I also went through love and hate, hide and seek spree until I settled with what I am. My run for life drove me to accept self as it was- because I realized of late that people have nothing extra or different to see in me but for my abilities to impress and win people with worthy response of intellect to suit them and drive them in cool and safe domain. They trust my convictions as a driver, not the components behind it. Any body peeping beyond misses my truck.
The real challenge in my opinion has been to stabilize with the transformation and restore missing links as it enriches eternal bliss and contentment. It teaches to be very much in the world and accept things as it comes and be the jointer not the destroyer. I wish my lines work a bravo to add to their belief in you with all positivism. Regards
Thanks a lot for sharing this ad inspiring us. i can so relate to everything that you were going through.I am 43 now and i started this spiritual path about few months ago. I totally love myself and I am finally content . just little changes makes a big diffrence in your life.
Wow! This came at just the right time. I have been all of these things within the last 24 hours all at once. Thank you for giving me such great perspective on what I have been struggling with for quite sometime. Blessings to you.
Your article has an mazing healing effect. Thank you
This is profound. Blessings to you for sharing and confirming that the work I am doing on getting myself ‘back together’ will pay off!!!!
Thank you Crystall – this is a stunning and wonderful article. Thank you for sharing your life story with us. Many of us, especially me experience the same roller coaster ride.
Love & Light
Elma (South Africa)
Crystal, you wrote this article while you were thinking of me, weren’t you – lol. Thank you so much for this beautiful and empowering article. I’m printing this and keeping it in my day planner (shhhh)….. God bless.
This is a truth I hear from many sources. The trouble is.. no one tells you ” how” to love yourself. I suffered with low self esteem for many years until I stopped looking for my “soulmate” and just concentrated on me. I developed into someone I knew that could be loved by another but when I read your story, I see myself . So , did I really make progress? My problem also is still , that I don’t ” love” others. I hear women express that they LOVE that person,this person esp children . I have no children. I have no natural love for them . Is this all related? If I don’t love others and I don’t love myself …what is left?
Crystal, you spoke to me on many levels while speaking your truth. It seems like I have been on this journey for discovering self-love, and still haven’t found the key. Maybe it is like you said, it’s a journey that never ends. Namaste!
What a beautiful article, Crystal and such a powerful message. You’re so right! Self love is the necessary foundation for everything in life. It’s about honoring our true essence and becoming our own lover and best friend. It happens first on the inside before it is expressed on the outside. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for this post. I don’t even know what to say accept this is exactly what I needed to read today.
Thank you Crystal for your article,I am 64 years old and for many many years have been shut down because of very low self esteem. I cried reading the article,you have made me realize what I need to do for myself. I had a great loss two years ago,which made me shut down even more ,and now just hearing your words the lack of love for myself rang so true in my heart as I look back on my life.Its never to late as they say,thanks for helping me “see”.God Bless You
This article speaks to me too. It’s what I have been working on since jr high…I don’t really know how to achieve the self love. I have read the books etc. I am still working at it…it seems I take 3 steps forward and then 2 steps back and get stuck. You do inspire me to do better. Do the work and it will come.
Thank you!!
Thank-you for sharing so openly Crystal. Beautiful, courageous words.
What touched me the most was ALL of the women who responded.
ALL of them understand, connect and feel connected.
I could FEEL the love echoing from you Crystal and all these women who are connected through you.
Thank-you for having the courage to be so open and honest and to share your love so freely with me and everyone else.
Crystal your honesty is freeing.
Thank-you to all the women who responded you inspire me to keep look deeper.
lots of love,
Paula
So it does get better? Just turned 47 and was not embrassing that age, I see I am going through what you mentiond now and have been for the past year. Big desions are hard to make. I guess when we put ourselves thru Hell, we have to just keep going before we get stuck and stay there. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Wonderful! Thank you for being so articulate, and personal. There is so much that I can relate to, though some of the details are of course different – the themes are so similar! And inspiring and helping me to keep on track with my new way of being true to myself…….thank you Crystal for so much!
Wishing you continued growth, love joy and self love!
Great thoughts and so true. You have courage for putting yourself out there.
Chris
Thank-you for sharing this story of your life journey, Crystal. At 40 I am just beginning to understand how to myself myself. I look forward to learning and sharing more with you, including the call on Monday.
-Dorothy
Thanks a lot for sharing this inspiring article with us.
I do agree with Cheryl, we hear this from everyone, but like her I don’t know the steps to work in how to learn to love myself in order to live and feel better in my own skin. Perhaps you could share with us HOW we can do this as well.
Thank you!
Many blessings *_*
Crystal,
Thank you very much for sharing your life with all of us that read your blog posts or your website about who you are…what you’ve gone through…how you came to a realization of knowing how to love yourself…how to forgive…love again…let go & your whole story of a lot of what you went through.
I am sure that a lot of us have been here where we had a hard time letting go…forgiving our parents…loving ourselves…loving our family…looking for love in all the wrong places & many other aspects of life…That we are now learning how to do what needed to be done and are finally seeing the results that come with learning or already learned what needed to be done and have the life that comes from learning.
I know for myself life hasn’t been the easiest at all a very abusive dysfunctional family cycle that I broke last year…Identity Theft that I am in the process of recovering from…Saying I surrender…I release control… I forgive myself & others for the past…I believe in Miracles…with being strong…having faith…hope…trust…love…I let go & let Love Beauty/God & I want to feel good every day!!
Thank you again Crystal, for sharing your story… It has made a big difference in my life that there are others out there who have been through many aspects of life that I have & have gotten through it a whole lot more spiritual person & being of life & love!!
I……….’m awestruck at the overwhelming response to this blog.
I’m not going to respond to each one individually but rest assured, each one of you have moved me beyond words.
Truth sets us free. Telling our truth–really digging deep and sharing it–allows us to begin loving ourselves again. If we can’t listen to and honor our own needs, faults, fears, dreams and desires, how can we possibly expect anyone else to??? It’s like we are telling ourselves–our own little girl, “You don’t matter enough…I don’t even want to listen to you!”
If my sharing can help you feel less fear to face yourself–and your own life–then that is the GREATEST payback I could ever receive.
I have embraced the job that God has given to me: To help others (especially women) wake up to their own magnificence, to rise above their circumstances, and to make their world….which ultimately makes OUR world….a better place.
I am grateful beyond measure that I get to do this …. I am grateful for your response. It means I’m on the right track.
Next week, I will continue with this stream of thought and continue to allow you into my heart and mind; to show you the steps I took to find my way out of self-loathing and fear and into courage and self-love!
Love,
Crystal
I needed this thanks so much!
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