From the desk of Crystal Andrus: 
Two weeks ago, I wrote a blog explaining why women needed “Women Only” organizations. It received many comments from both men and women. Click here to read that blog and feel free to leave a post.
That blog created so much emotion in fact, that I decided to continue the conversation. So let’s explore together what happened to women over the last forty years and where it has left us today . . .
When feminism came along it empowered women to fight for their rights, to stand up for themselves, screaming out that self-love was what mattered most. That the supposed love too many women were living with was without essence and was, in fact, really only oppression. The patriarchal world that had, up until then, dictated their every choice was suddenly denounced as many women ditched their bras, rejected sexual comments, and viewed lipstick and lingerie as frivolous and exploitive. Many also viewed those who dyed their hair blonder or wore their bras tighter as the adversaries. Demanding that their own identities finally be heard, many feminists were angry and tired of being demoralized. They knew what their foremothers had gone through and most simply wanted to change the world for women to come. But the world viewed them as angry men-haters, and many were. It also assumed that those with the loudest voices were lesbians. It left many strong and determined women completely confused about their own beauty, love, and life itself. Nevertheless, they fought on …
At the same time another group of women began to emerge—those who depended all the more upon their looks and sexuality to achieve status and success. While peering over at the strong and mighty advances of the feminists their own anger brewed. Many felt ashamed of the way they’d allowed men to manipulate them, yet they depended upon the attention and fringe benefits that it brought. Deep down most secretly worried about their own future, when their looks would dwindle and their breasts would sag:
Would they still be beautiful?
Would they still be taken care of?
Would they still be loved?
Too fearful to look back and yet even more afraid to look forward, many got caught in the trap of disillusionment as they also felt panicked about their beauty, love, and life itself.
A civil war was looming and the lines were drawn. Those who rejected beauty as their means to advance and those who used it, with the rest of women caught somewhere in the middle. The terrified women, left on the sidelines, were mostly dominated mothers and grandmothers, who were so shocked and nervous over what was happening that they clung to their aprons all the more, figuring that if they just buried their heads in the sand, cooked another meal, darned another sock, and pretended that everything was just fine, that everything would be. So self-deprived, most of their needs whether sexual, emotional, or intellectual, were often overlooked. These were women who had lost their passion. These were women who felt totally powerless. These were many of our mothers …
Nothing like this had ever happened on such
a grand scale to women before. They weren’t just at combat
with men, they had engaged in a battle with each other.
Not realizing that they were all desperate for the same things—respect, love, appreciation, and contentment. To just be and to know that they, alone, were enough!
Through the eighties and nineties the battle intensified and soon everyone was demanding and expecting the same equalities as men, without realizing they were no longer gaining ground. Many women in the corporate world were turning into little replicas of men. Believing that if they talked louder, walked faster, glared harder, and showed less compassion and more force they would finally get the respect they deserved. Not recognizing that true power could never be demanded or enforced and that it only comes from embracing our femininity, sexuality, and intelligence with passion, acceptance, understanding, strength, grace, gentleness, and kindness. It then transcends when we welcome all others with the same honor and dignity.
Instead, many women were convinced that once men were made accountable for their “wrongdoings” that their lives would work out and they would find serenity, peace, and soon … very soon, they would feel beautiful. But that didn’t seem to ensue as women seemed to be even less happy about their looks, bodies, and sexuality.
What was happening?
Well, we watched our mothers fight the fight (or depending on your age, you fought it yourself), yet we intrinsically felt their deep yearning to still nurture and love. They were so confused—trying to be feminists, rejecting the beauty myth, still all the while instinctively knowing that love and companionship was what mattered most. It was no one’s fault but the messages were mixed and the beliefs that most passed down to their daughters were shaky. We were told that men exploited us and that beauty wasn’t important, as they continued to read the magazines, tighten their girdles, and coat their skin with the latest wrinkle cream. They swallowed the “pill,” so to speak, and then got mad that is was provided. We, then, quite literally swallowed a few more, often by the name of Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, or Effexor (the total sales world-wide of anti-depressants in 2002 was nearly 27 million prescriptions), in an attempt to numb our scattered emotions and frustrations, all the while angrily comparing ourselves to the 17 year-old model on the cover of the magazine that we’d just bought.
And, yes, although we are much further ahead now than ever before too many women are still in a frustrated, even frantic state, listening to the unrelenting disparagement of their chattering mind, telling them what they should’ve done and still need to do, while pointing out the more perfect outfit, the more perfect home, the more perfect marriage, and the more perfect woman.
We, women, like it or not, have allowed ourselves to play a game we can never win. A game based on conforming and changing. On competing and comparing. On starving and denying. On hurting and hoarding. Sad, it seems that we know more about what celebrities are wearing and who they are romancing than we do about our own needs and desires. We know more about the latest fashion trend than we do about our own purpose and passion. It is sad that we’ve allowed ourselves to buy into it. But I do believe this is changing. Slowly but surely, we are changing …
We are realizing that our magnificent beauty and strength will only transcend when we join together as sisters—as mirror reflections of our own beautiful souls. To breathe each other in! To celebrate our splendor and rejoice in our power, knowing that we are exactly as we should be. Where stock market portfolios and perfume can go hand-in-hand and where we happily regard men as our much needed partners and no longer our oppressors. Where beauty can be celebrated with wild long black hair or seized in a short blonde crop. Where breast size has nothing to do with intelligence or sincerity and where we lovingly respect and honor our femininity, without pressure or expectation. It is time that we stop living with this fear-driven force and begin accessing the unstoppable and limitless source of authentic power that is deep within each of us. Lipstick and lingerie are not the enemy yet neither is detachment and autonomy.
The time has come for women to enter
into a new era where we “claim who we are!”
Where we embrace our differences and accept and revere what makes us so uniquely women. Where we no longer gauge our success and beauty using each other as our barometers, or compete to get the “best man” that will give us the best life.
It is ultimately time to appreciate ourselves and each other—consciously excited that beauty is diverse and more importantly, that nothing, not even time, can steal it away. As I tell my daughters every day, “Love your body and it will love you back!”
The SWAT Institute is dedicated to this very cause: Women empowering women; celebrating our successes while still healing our wounds. We are the next era of the women’s movement and we invite you to join us in strength and spirit!
I encourage you to leave your thoughts below!
Warmly,
.
Very well written Crystal. I certainly have struggled with all of what you’ve talked about….I share your beliefs about us women! Thank you for being able to put that all down in WORDS. (I think we all know this in our hearts but have difficulty voicing it so thanks for being a voice for us!!!) It’s appreciated.
Barb
Most of your well-stated comments are “oh so true”. Linda
Crystal -
Thanks again for another wonderful post. Being also at the 40-year mark in my life, I can relate very well to your views and writing. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement you and The SWAT Institute has give me over the past year and a half. Namaste <3
Thank you! Born on the leading edge of Gen X to young Boomer parents, I grew up thinking that “Angry, Oppressed Woman biting & clawing her way to the top of the career ladder” view was the only thing going. Yet it didn’t fit. I wanted to be feminine. I often kept that to myself, as such women were looked at “less than” by the Angry Women. Yet, I did not ever feel oppressed, as my college instructors insisted I was! They could not imagine a world where there were even pockets of culture in which their life’s battle had been won, and young women felt free. I am so glad to see others share my feelings. There is a lovely power in blessing the freedom of each woman’s individual choice.
Thank you for this. Your thoughts are exactly what I needed to “hear” this morning.
I love your post. You have put words to the feelings of many women. I believe that women empowering women and elevating our families and society is a key to many of our world problems today. Your gives me courage and support to pursue my mission, conquer the world and continue to elevate my sisters. Looking forward to your next post. Keep up this great work Crystal and thank you for taking this mission on hand.
Well said, Crystal. Born in 1957, I lived this struggle and have thought deeply about it for 40 years, while the critical changes occurred and long after. I made one of my life’s purposes that of understanding what it all meant and have tried to engage other women in interpreting it, mostly by talking or writing about it. I want us all to make better choices by loving ourselves first. That means loving who we are now, how we look now, accepting it all as an integral part of the journey we’re on. Self acceptance seems to be the first step. Also important is acknowledging the feminine within all of us and learning what that is in all its permutations: the survival mechanisms of the extremely powerful protective mother; the uber-sensitive empath who notices nuances in vocal tone and physical gesture; the receptive sexual mate; and the physical container of the next generation, all of which contribute to an extremely specific type of intelligence the species needs. But it needs other things too, to not just survive, but live fully and live well. One of your most telling phrases is that we compete for the best man who will “GIVE us the best life”–the female is wired to compete for the best mate, we likely cannot change that, but we are at a stage in human development at which we can cease believing someone else can BESTOW a better life on us. The idea that a man gives us a life runs very, very deep in our psyches because we can perceive both their physical strength and their economic ability to earn more. But as a rule, we no longer need someone to provide those things FOR us in order to survive; we can do it ourselves. What would be most helpful is for our partners to access and use their intelligence, intuition and emotive senses more, but for the most part, we have not valued those things in our sons. Perhaps, too, we still equate those “feminine” qualities with weakness, as the female principle in our culture is less valued and considered weaker. It has always been my hope that this culture into which I was born would embrace the powerful aspects of the feminine and I have seen changes that indicate that’s happening, so I am greatly encouraged. Because while it is important to value the feminine, for true balance, it is equally important that the masculine aspects be acknowledged and celebrated in both genders. We need our sons to know and celebrate when they have arrived as men, just as women need to embrace their masculine side and Do as well as Be. The unity of these opposites, being and doing, seems key to me, but valuing each as necessary contributions and balancing them within us, is what will shift our consciousness and our culture into a higher realm. Then egos and souls/spirits will acquire balance within our psyches and we will compete, but differently. This equilibrium can pave the way to accepting what is, to accepting who we are, because both masculine and feminine aspects will be valued for the part each plays in our survival. Beauty plays a part in our perceived notions of what it takes to survive since we are sensate beings, but awareness allows the detachment necessary for us to release judgments that define one type of beauty as better than another. Self-acceptance and awareness are words, easy to say, yet requiring an almost daily practice to try to achieve. I love what you are doing because I see it as going in that very important direction. I hope to join you at some point soon. Thank you for doing what you are doing and being who you are being. Pretty balanced I’d say!
During the feminist movement, women emulated men. We believed if we conducted ourselves the way that men did we would be successful in the corporate world. Unfortunately, a dichotomy existed. Aggressive men were seen as as “go-getters” and aggressive women were looked upon as “ball-breakers.” As you mentioned in your article, we couldn’t win. One of the reasons we couldn’t win was because we were trying to be something that we weren’t. Biologically, men are programmed to be aggressive hunters (they brought home the bacon; my apologies to Aviance) and women were hunter/gatherers. Both endeavors were integral to the survival of early mankind.
Traditionally, women’s nurturing qualities or anything remotely feminine have been looked upon as weaknesses by the male population. If a man is not as aggressive or masculine as his contemparies feel he should be, he is subject to comments such as, “What are you, a pussy?” (please excuse the graphic language)
I believe that women’s unique qualities are what make them so strong emotionally. We need to celebrate these qualities and not look upon them as weaknesses. Men and women are different. Viva la diferencia! We need to teach our daughters, granddaughters, etc. to appreciate and revel in their uniqueness. We need to believe in The Power of Female!